I absolutely despise baking chocolate chip cookies. I haven’t done it in years because, in the winter of 2013-14, I went on a craze, reading all the material I could find about chocolate chip cookies, how each ingredient affected the cookie, which modifications would result in a flatter, chewier cookie with crispy edges … and no matter what I did, I always ended up with the same goddamn cake-y brick.
Like I did tonight.
I don’t know what got into me because I swore off baking chocolate chip cookies after that craze in 2013-14, but I’ve been on a cookie kick — like, I keep wanting to eat cookies, but it’s still hard for me to find that cookie I really like. I’ve also been thinking I should be taking better care of myself and cutting back on refined sugar and white flour, so I also want to try baking cookies with alternative flours (specifically oat flour and almond flour) and with coconut sugar — but, every time I say that or write that or, even, think that, there’s that part of me that wants to defend that by saying that it’s for my health! I actually have a health issue! No one would ever know it from looking at how I eat because I’ve been ignoring it for almost two years now!
(You say, We need to sit down and figure out how you’re going to deal with this. Look, I’ll take care of you when you’re old and sick, but not if you’ve brought it onto yourself by treating your body like shit.)
A friend tells me she loves Mark Bittman’s cookie recipe, that it always turns out for her, maybe I should try it out, no modifications, before I embark on my alternate-flours-and-alternate-sugar adventure. I think, hey, why not — I actually haven’t tried Mark Bittman’s recipe yet, but isn’t he kind of problematic? I keep thinking it’s him, try to Google it, because I’m pretty sure he’s said some severely classist, maybe racist, maybe misogynistic shit, or was it him, or am I getting him mixed up with another white man food writer? What does it say about white men and being problematic that my brain defaults to yup, he said and/or did some racist/misogynistic/homophobic shit, and I feel absolutely no need to be apologetic for that?
Anyway, so I bake the Mark Bittman cookies, leaving butter out to soften, creaming the butter and sugars, adding my dry ingredients, then dumping in my chocolate chips. I freeze most of the cookies for later days when I know I’ll crave a cookie, making it easy for myself to pop a cookie in the oven and get my fix (I like doing this with biscuits as well), and I bake six, crossing my fingers and hoping for success.
I get the same cake-y pucks. Fuck this shit.
You tell me, They taste good! They’re good! — and you laugh as I glower at you.
I know they taste fine. They’re just the completely wrong fucking texture! These are like cake-y pucks!
Okay, they’re softer than pucks. You underbaked them on purpose.
Shut your face.